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August 28, 1993
Last Visit: 1 week ago
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I knew there was something fundamental missing. My reason for being was completely missing, what do I want out of life? What do I want for me?
Answer was something along the lines of "All the enjoyment I can squeeze out of it", and as soon as I started taking a trip down this thought lane, a lot of things started to make a whole lot of sense. And I can see now, I can see how to optimize my enjoyment levels because even if I have unlimited free time to play and watch things, I don't fully utilize it, and because I don't fully utilize it I have room for improvement, and that improvement is my "idling" times, time spent doing stupid shit like writing this or aimlessly browsing the internetz.
Time which I could instead spend doing more meaningful things without my dopamine levels dropping even just a little bit!!
Now that I know what I want, now that I FINALLY freaking know exactly what I want. I can decide, what sort of persona or identity I want to have, what I want "me" to mean. What kind of person do I wish to be?
And in order to make it reality, all I have to do, is decide that this is who I am now, and stick with that decision; sortof as described by this guy.
While he does use some clickbaity titles, I've never found as genuine a guy making self-help tips on jewtube. He's a guy who actually knows what it's like to be a bottom feeder since that's what he was, and he's walked the walk. And not only that, he speaks from raw experiences, his experiences, this is the shit that worked for him, and his advice tends to be legit shit that matches up with my own experiences delving into similar ventures (even if I usually fail, there are always some things that worked, at least for a time).
So, in order to shape my identity, I must center it around what I want out of life.
For example right now, just two relatively small personality tweaks could revolutionize who I am (and lol, get me to finally draw again) and that would simply be this: "Always try to keep your(my) dopamine outputs optimal or better" and "Never waste a perfectly good second"
So what would this mean? Well, it means that I want the best of both worlds is what it means, the reason I can't let go of my instant gratification habits like gaming, anime and even porn is because I don't want to. The reason I don't want to is because they increase my dopamine levels and as such, allow me to instinctively optimize my dopamine levels. Am I addicted to these things? Or am I simply addicted to the dopamine they provide? I'm pretty sure the answer is "Yes to all". Then there's filler stuff, filler stuff like: Watching movies & TV, browsing jewtubes, browsing the internet rather aimlessly, reading news sites, refreshing these news sites every 5 minutes in hopes that something new is up, or even just staring at my desktop wallpaper. Am I addicted to these things? Or am I simply addicted to the dopamine balancing effect they provide? The answer is uniformly, "the latter". These things provide very small doses of dopamine but they don't drain my dopamine either so they keep me sorta ~balanced.
But these are also time killing, wasted time, wasted seconds. Or in one word: Distractions. Distracting me from the things I truly enjoy, distracting me from doing things that matter. Now one super simple way out of this is would be to force myself to never stop playing games or watching anime, that's also a surefire way to make sure I get sick of games and anime within a year or two which might be for the best...
But I have a better idea, instead of doing this, how about I will never allow myself to 'idle' like that again. When I feel like playing games, I'll play games, when I feel like watching anime, I'll watch anime, when I'm not sure what I want to be doing, I will now instead of aimlessly browsing the net do one of three things.
1: Exercise 2: Chores (always the first priority) 3: Work towards my goals.
Why exercise first? Because otherwise I won't exercise >_< and exercise produces dopamine so exercise = beneficial to my primary target and it extends my life expectancy. Why do I do chores before goals? Because I'm sick and tired of my environment being a fucking mess is why. If they're at the top of my priority list every day, nothing will ever be a mess. I'll do chores as required, when required, and when done, I'll do the things that will progress me, advance me in life, and then inbetween when I feel like it, it's games or anime which I don't consider a waste of time, I consider them top tier entertainment, but you can have too much of all that is good, so don't do it when you don't feel like it!
These would be the results of just TWO tiny personality adjustments, I've put real power into my hands here. The power to gain everything without sacrificing anything, right there in my hands. Finally. A few pieces of my mind, my psyche have been missing this whole time, my last couple of years 'idling' were not wasted, they were spent searching for the things I'd lost out of my psyche, is this the final missing piece? Can I now be whole again?
I will not end at this, I'm gonna spend the rest of this day mulling over who I want me to be. And I'm finally at a level of thought where I don't want to disclose what I find, similarly the plan I have for my next 30 years or so, I don't want to disclose this either. I finally contain information that I consider personal enough not to want to share it, this is valuable to me. I don't want to give away my persona information for free (why you think I don't use Windows 10?) because this would make me easy to read. If I keep my values to myself, then I can have a bit of mystery about me, others being uncertain about my intentions or even unable to read me entirely, so this is as much as I will disclose about what I'm thinking about that.
But maybe it's time you ask yourself, these questions I'm asking myself, do you know their answer for yourself?
Don't let appearances fool you, when I'm not at a metal concert, I'm calm and composed like a Tibetan monk. That picture just feels so right, since I've rarely had as much fun in my life as when I was at Eistnaflug in this specific picture I was still wearing my spur-of-the moment Krauser II facepaint
I started trying to draw in February 2014 , and sadly it's been a bumpy road, but one worth traversing even if I've been at a snailing kind of pace. I feel that the toughest part is rapidly falling behind me and the fun part is taking the wheel now.
Hopefully I'll be a great artist one day
Also, artist's block? Run out of ideas? Hell will freeze over before I run out of things to draw, and even if I run out of epic original ideas I can always fallback to drawing something randomly gory or sexy instead!
Favorite visual artistElsevillaFavorite moviesLove Exposure, Berserk, Hells (Anime), The Front-Line (Go Ji Jeon)Favorite TV showsCode Geass, Re:Zero, Hellsing Ultimate, Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Detroit Metal City... (list goes on!)Favorite bands / musical artistsEmilie Autumn, Dir En Grey, Lamb of God, Dillinger Escape Plan, Kaijura Yuki... (Too many to count)Favorite booksSun-Ken Rock, Berserk, Murcielago, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls...Favorite writersBoichi, Tolkien, Kentaro Miura, Yoshimura KanaFavorite gamesWizardry 8, Morrowind, Final Fantasy 7, Dark Souls, EverQuest ... (yeah there's just too many, I'm sorry)Favorite gaming platformPC (Linux gaming banzai!)Tools of the TradeArch Linux, Krita, Yiynova MVP22U+ (RH)Other InterestsProgramming, Music, Science & Technology, Building robot armies, World domination, Mind Control, the usual...